Today, as I returned to Tower 6 to relive the memories, I decided to make this blog not only non-technical but also personal - an open diary entry of sorts. I won’t post a lot here (I’m hoping, fingers crossed), but whenever I feel something and I don’t have someone to share it with, I think my thoughts and feelings are going to find refuge here. A part of me still wants to keep it technical, but we shall see.
I was supposed to make my long awaited academic comeback in freshman year of university. That didn’t happen, for the better, I thought, because my social life made a huge comeback. After a year of locking myself in a 10x10 cuboid, I was finally not only free to walk around at whatever time I wanted, but I also had friends to hang out with. Although, for good or for bad, separated by a long stretch of walk. Situated in a peaceful corner of the university, I spent my first year in Tower 6. It wasn’t an ordinary hostel: it was an apartment for faculty that was given to students for the first time.
Just to put it in perspective, T6 was 900m away from the nearest dining hall. I wouldn’t even leave that place for classes let alone for meals, had I not had the best friends I did - and some I still do, at least in my perception. The long walk from Tower 6 always gave me sufficient time to introspect and just enough to think and not overthink.
The best part was the long post-dinner/ midnight mess walk back. I will likely miss it the most. It was the best bonding activity. Three to four people just walking, enjoying, laughing for as long as they were out. Interestingly, my friends - not even residents of Tower 6 - used to come drop us off. As I saw one of my colleagues going back to Tower 6 recently, I only felt bad for them that they had to take such a long walk alone. As we continue to break the various ethereal pacts we once made, I couldn’t help but recall all the moments I enjoyed because of tower 6. Had those walks not existed to bond over with my current friends, I don’t think I would have been this close to anyone. I never realized until today how much location matters. Looking back, the divergence is clear. Good company and that specific physical space shaped everything. Now, I live much closer to those same friends, yet the dynamic feels entirely different. I don’t mean to blame the second cluster entirely. It’s likely the time and saturation.
During exams, my friends would surprise me with a subpoena to bring them a bottle of water downstairs - midway through their stress relieving walk that I used to join for the rest half before returning back to my room and continuing the syllabus with a fresh mind. Now, it all feels like a sweet dream that would never reach reality.
Finally as I used to head into T6, I would spend my entire time either in my room or 631G. We reached Pakistan while studying for MED201 (SNU people: take it, best course ever period), hacked into Breeze and got really close to getting an official disciplinary action for the same, became so close with some people and then strayed away from a few. It was all a bitter sweet symphony. These people taught me a lot about life, some still continue to do so. Perhaps their method isn’t sweet, but maybe I wouldn’t have learnt if everything was sugarcoated.
As we continue to make conscious decisions to include or exclude someone from the shadows of our lives, the memories remain. Contrary to the popular opinion that remembering good memories gives you joy, I think it’s not as simple. Knowing that I cannot relive those memories only kills me more inside. Maybe it hurts because it is still raw.
As I continue to settle with the reality, I sometimes wish that those days of laughter, lightness and fun could return, maybe not Tower 6, but the version of people I used to have fun with back then. But, I am also aware that it will never happen, because people make decisions, and so did I.
Good night.
(The long deserted walk to Tower 6 today)